"I am not where I want to be in life" & what I'm doing about it
- keloweelee
- May 7, 2022
- 4 min read
I pictured life very differently - at 27, perhaps I would be traveling around the world for work (either as a writer or a consultant), perhaps I would frequent the salon more often to blow-dry my hair, perhaps I would have nice office clothes. Here I am at 27, home-bound because of a pandemic (now endemic... whatever that actually means???), buying hair dye from the pharmacy (reducing my vibrant personality to a solid dark and boring purple-brown) and wearing the same pencil skirt I've been wearing since I was interning.
Needless to say, I am not where I want to be in life.
It was a hard pill to swallow: my health is deteriorating (I have major lower back issues), my pay can't keep up with the lifestyle that I want and I wake up every day feeling like I should be doing so much more with my life. This was followed by months of wallowing, hiding tears behind Korean dramas and ranting to everyone who had an ear to listen (shoutout to the boyfriend for being immensely patient with me throughout my multiple quarter-life crises). To cope with the agony, anxiety and anticipation (honestly just wanted another word that started with 'a'), I started journaling.
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At one point I was so sad because I couldn't go cafe-hopping. This was because of the lockdown + I didn't have RM30 to spend every other day. I was disgustingly sad... I know, my emotions baffles me, too. So I had an entire journal entry entitled "THE CAFE LIFE" noting down why that lifestyle appeals to me so much. I concluded that it was because it gave off the illusion that I was traveling and discovering new places. Also because working in a cafe was associated with "being creative", and I wanted to be seen as c. r. e. a. t. i. v. e. I now cry about not being able to visit cafes just maybe twice a month instead of weekly. Which, in my books, is growth!
Life is not where I want to be. And I started doing something about it.
Before I could take active action though, I engaged in some deep soul-searching and introspective reflection (throwing in some bombastic words to impress y'all). Just like how I had the cafe-frenzy, I started questioning why I do what I do, and what is important to me. I came to an understanding that:
I want to do some form of volunteering (I'm currently a mentor under Women:Girls)
I want to write / be creative (and hopefully monetize this hobby)
I want to be healthier (ironically, I have a huge back problem now but I am trying!!!)
I want to travel and experience new things (which drives me to want to make more money)
I want to meet new people
I can easily type it down now, but it took weeks and months of dissecting (and crying). Which then begs the next big question, "now what?"
Which is how I came across the Wheel of Life framework. The idea is simple: you identify 8 aspects of your life in which you would like to work on and track, and then proceed to track it based on a 5-point scale. I was so personally inspired by this exercise that I decided to launch an e-journal that revolves around this framework.
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You can get your own copy of A Wheely Good Life here for only RM12. This includes a 52-week tracker and a few journal prompts. If you'd like, you can also draw circles in your own journal for this activity. I simply developed this e-journal for those who prefer using their electronic devices. I am also taking this opportunity to explain the puns - which I think are really witty - in the title:
- "Wheely" = really = A Really Good Life
- "Wheel" because it revolves around the "wheel of life" framework
- "Wheel" because I have a recent new-found love towards inline skating
- "A really good life" because that is the goal of the book: to create lives that you deem fulfilling and, essentially, good
I realized that I felt unhappy because my day-to-day life is not as compelling. I don't get to make meaningful conversation, read, be productive, creative, volunteer and travel all in the same day. It seems silly to have expected it to begin with, but I was ending every work day feeling so pathetic and unfulfilled. It was only when I started tracking my weekly activities did I then realize: I am accomplishing a lot more than I give myself credit for. For example, here's my score for Personal Development (which is one of the aspects of life I track) for the past 16 weeks:
Week 1: 5 | Week 2: 5 | Week 3: 3 | Week 4: 2 | Week 5: 4 | Week 6: 3 | Week 7: 2 | Week 8: 4 | Week 9: 4 | Week 10: 3 | Week 11: 1 | Week 12: 1 | Week 13: 2 | Week 14: 2 | Week 15: 1 | Week 16: 3
My 5-point scale is: 1: Not where I want to be (or 0-1hours)
2: Good try but more to improve (or 2-3hours)
3: Nice job, there's room to push (or 4-5hours)
4: Great job, this is a good place to be (or 6-7hours)
5: Exceeding expectations (or > 8 hours)
Similarly, the 7 other aspects of my life also fluctuates. This entire exercise honestly helps me feel so much less shitty about myself (which could be a byproduct of my overly dramatic and neurotic nature) because I am now aware that I am doing something about my life - albeit slowly, but surely indeed.
Days when "Personal Development" scores low, "Networking/social life" scores high. Days when "Creative Pursuits" scores low, "Family/relationship" scores high. I am more content now knowing that I have a more balanced life than before.
I am still not exactly where I want to be in life (which, I guess, keeps me hungry and eager). But I am comforted to know that I have the autonomy to change my life. To conclude, here is a famous quote:
I'm definitely scoring "5" for Creative Pursuits after this blog post!
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