Before 2023, Forgive Yourself

I was feeling awfully shitty about some of the decisions I’ve made lately. They’re pretty impulsive… and expensive.

• There are small mistakes like making a wrong turn and getting stuck in traffic for another 40 minutes.

• There are also big(ger) mistakes like putting down a RM1000 booking fee for a package I never even wanted (if you’re wondering why, it was because I had FOMO).

(Of course there were also shittier experiences e.g. me saying something awful to my mother out of anger but let’s not go into my interpersonal relationships – or the lack of it)

In the grand scheme of life, these might feel like small mistakes. But in the face of so much uncertainty and the intimidation of the future (e.g. how much a house and wedding costs), these seemingly small mistakes were magnified and started to scare the crap out of me. Anxiety and guilt start to build up and I felt like I was going to spiral into (yet another) teenage-hitting-puberty crisis.

Why am I spending so much money unnecessarily?

Why am I such a good-for-nothing loser?

Why do I work so hard and still have so much to worry about?

Etc

Etc

Instead of panicking, I suppressed all my emotions and listened to a podcast while doing my laundry (as everyone does). Well, thank God for amazing podcasts! I came across “How to build a happy life” and they had an episode entitled “How to forgive ourselves for what we can’t change”. What a coincidence / divine revelation!

It was such a good podcast and I wouldn’t want to rob the joy of listening to it firsthand by basically regurgitating its content, but I was really inspired by the framework they shared: the REACH forgiveness method.

• R – Recall the event

• E – Emphatize with yourself

• A – Altruistic gift

• C – Commit to forgiveness

• H – Hold on

This method addresses forgiveness but can be applied to self-forgiveness as well. I wanted to create a template/prompt for when I’m feeling unnecessarily hard on myself (which unfortunately happens quite often); and thought “why not share it?”

Spoiler alert: In the podcast episode, they interviewed the author of the REACH framework. He shared a really personal experience of a loved one passing away and the guilt he felt from it. If the "what if" thoughts tend to haunt you ("what if I reached out to help, perhaps his/her life would be better"; "what if I tried harder" etc), I hope you find healing through this podcast. More importantly, I hope you remember you're not alone in this journey.

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Commercial break!

I’ve considered including this in a zine, but I’ve already talked about Forgiveness in 2022’s "New Year, New Me" zine; so perhaps this can be a “bonus pack”. If you want a copy of the NYNM zine, you can get a soft copy here for RM10.

Excerpt:

For the passionate young adults who are lowkey burning out, I hear you. I see you. If you’re learning to navigate the working world and thinking to yourself, “why didn’t anyone tell me this was going to be so hard?”, this is for you.

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Below are some journaling prompts / activities based on the REACH framework. I hope that you join me in this journey of self-forgiveness and start 2023 with a fresh perspective.

Recall the hurt:

1. Describe the event/decision that caused hurt

2. Other than feeling hurt, what other emotions did you experience because of this event? (Use the feeling wheel)

3. Why did it cause those emotions?

Empathise with yourself:

4. Why do you think you made that decision / reacted that way?

5. Where does the emotions (from Q3) stem from?

Altruistic gift and Commit to forgiveness

Write a forgiveness note and positive affirmation to yourself. Here's a template you can use (or go wild!):

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"Dear Chloe, I forgive you for (Q1: the event/decision), which made me feel (Q3: emotions). I realize now that I allowed it to happen because (Q4: why did you make that decision/react that way). I also felt (Q2: emotions) because (Q5: where they stem from).

I forgive myself because I know that:

- Positive affirmation 1 (e.g. I am constantly growing and will only get better from here)

- Positive affirmation 2 (e.g. I am healing)

- Positive affirmation 3 (e.g. I want to be kinder to myself)

Today, (date), I forgive myself for allowing that hurt."

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Hold onto forgiveness

Place the note somewhere visible or easily accessible. When times are tough, it’s easy to spiral into negativity. However, remember that you’ve actually forgiven yourself! You deserve to move on with joy.

May this season be one of healing and unconditional joy, God bless you.