Deep Breaths, Darling

Cheese stick in my hands

In an expedition led by Lt. Joseph Ives to the Grand Canyon in 1857, he had this to say about the piece of land: "Ours has been first, and will doubtless be the last, party of whites to visit this profitless locality". The Grand Canyon is now the most visited national park in the US, receiving over 5 million visits each year.

In a video I watched about water - yes, the colourless and tasteless solution that is so essential to our survival. Its mere existence defies all laws of Chemistry (e.g. unlike any other chemical, water expands when it freezes). It is in fact this oddity that brought forth life - it is how flowers continue to be nourished, it is what allows our brains to function.

Perhaps as humans, we love these stories because they are testimonies of how something or someone has overcome, or has won, or achieved something - against all odds. This is why stories like Nick Vujicic's is admirable. We want to be inspired and reminded that we, too, will be victorious one day. We don't give ourselves enough credit, though, for we fight little battles every day, and we have little victories every day - and these are worth celebrating.

Canterbury, UK.

Just like the pendulum of a cuckoo clock - my thought processes waivers from two extremes, and yet not really going anywhere. My emotions swings across this spectrum, about what or why I do what I do - what is the agenda of my writing, what am I trying to achieve with this post, does it really matter what people think? Should I be more productive, should I do more reading, more research, more of my essay? What if people don't like reading what I have to say? - why I feel the way I feel. I don't realise that although the pendulum is in a stagnant position, (and though I am far from familiar on the mechanisms of how a clock works) it is essential to the moving of the clock - I may not realise it, but I grow a little more every day. I had in mind to write this piece in a cute cafe in a nearby town, just to travel a little bit and put myself in a different environment, sipping my Chai Latter (tbh I don't even like coffee). I fell sick, and have quarantined myself for the last few days, but not without a second of me wondering if I should just go ahead and be out and about nonetheless. I have forced tons of pressures onto myself, labelling them as: the need to maximise my time abroad, to experience new things, to visit new places, to discover. But I'm sick, and I'm broke and I really don't have to stress myself over nothing. It takes conscious effort to remember what God is saying:

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

Philippians 4:8

Bologna, Italy

I want my writing to flow out of a contented heart, from a heart that thinks about true, noble, right, pure, lovely and admirable things. I would be lying if I said I didn't care about what people thought of what I had to say or the photos I post. I also have to realise that my opinions - if I am clear that God is trying to use my voice to carry a message - should not need the validation of men. Of course I struggle, I put a lot of time to research and craft a message, just to have it be ignored. Just to see cat videos go viral, just to see "open letters" (that aren't all that informative or not really based on theoretical findings or previous research or not creative or entertaining altogether) shared by hundreds, if not thousands; and yet my findings go nowhere. It's disheartening, really, but if this is what I love doing, should it really matter?

It's a slow progress but I can't deny the favour that has been shown to me. I've had opportunities to write for other platforms, such as Crunch by Nuffnang and to collaborate - with My Psychology. It's easy to beat myself up about things I have yet to accomplish, but I should never be too busy to be grateful.

Speaking of stressing myself over nothing. Getting a part time job was of utmost priority and the lack of one has resulted in me depriving myself of a social life - eating out is expensive, joining a club/society requires membership fees, traveling requires money. I applied for literally anything and everything I come across, subscribed to perhaps three or four different job searching platforms and sent many, many cover letters. I assumed that my experiences back in Malaysia would have gotten me a part time job pretty swiftly - I was wrong. It was a very humbling process, I had to ask God where He was. I had to ask if I should bother trying so hard, I questioned my credibility and my skills, I took every rejection a little too personally. In hindsight, I now understand why I had to go through it - it inspired this article I wrote about stress and how education does not prepare us emotionally and mentally for unemployment (or in any other areas of life). It taught me how to be humble, that my previous experiences does not give me an all-access pass in life. It taught me to place my identity and confidence in Christ. Most importantly, it taught me how to trust God. I sent in two more applications and told myself: if these two don't work out, I'm going to give up - I wasted too much time worrying about this and it has affected my year abroad too much, I'm done. Miraculously, one of them worked out - and I am currently in an environment that is very encouraging and empowering, where people are willing to teach and provide feedback, where I can be proactive and suggest creative ideas to execute.

The Grand Canyon may have looked like a valueless, oddly shaped, piece of brown land. We may feel like we are lost causes, but there is hope, there is purpose - in His timing.

He has made everything beautiful in its time.

Ecclesiastes 3:11