You're Not Allowed to Miss Home

Glasgow. I also really like these pair of pants - it has five pockets.

"This is actually happening," - I thought to myself as I bought my one-way ticket to the UK. Receiving my unconditional letter wasn't enough proof, pinching myself didn't do the trick either. Me, standing in the living room after the purchase, is also me sitting in my hostel room writing this now - wow, this is actually happening. I've gotten used to the maps and bus routes of this little British town (it's been quite a few months, I'd be a headless chicken if I still haven't gotten it figured out) and it's easy to walk through these now-familiar streets and forget that the time I have with this gem is limited, the clock is ticking.

Studying overseas was what I’ve wanted for a very very long time - having the freedom to choose (99pence frozen pizza or overpriced Gyoza?), dancing on the streets at 12am with my friends (sober, by the way, also way ahead of myself for jumping to this spoiler but: it hasn't happened yet. I've learnt that there are bad people everywhere), having conversations about our dreams, discovering myself (whether or not my expectations were met is also a different story). At the time of deciding what I wanted to do for my degree, financial standings didn’t permit this escapism to come through - so all hope was lost; I never thought about it again. When I see posts about "how difficult it is to be studying overseas alone", I get frustrated because I'd do anything to trade positions with them. Of course, I wouldn’t have done anything differently, I was awarded with a full scholarship to do my degree in Psychology and Management (Hallelujah!). Had wonderful experiences in both local startups and international companies. I met amazing, amazing friends - who don't compliment me often but I know deep deep deep down inside they love and care for me (and boyfriend). And perhaps I saved myself from a lot of horrible decisions because past me was immature and neurotic. But when my mom told me over dimsum (oh how I miss dimsum) one morning, “maybe you should do your Masters in the UK” - I lit up. 

Whistable. Also, friendship goals.

I was like Moana, with a desperate hunger to know what is beyond those shorelines, “there’s no telling how far I’d go”. But also like Moana, I’ve developed a strong love (and patriotism) for my island, I know that at the end of the year, I would want to go home, contribute to my society, serve my people. Being abroad has also made me appreciate my culture a lot more, I get to represent the country, I get to share my food and traditions proudly. I understand that not a lot of people from Malaysia would have such an opportunity, and I intend to bring back everything I've learnt to try to make a positive difference. Maybe that’s why “How Far I’ll Go” was one of the most-played songs on my Spotify in 2018. So was “Me Too” by Meghan Trainor because that was my go-to confident booster whenever I needed a quick one (don’t judge me). And “Kissing Strangers” was on that list for no other reason that me liking the funky beat. I’m rambling. Anyway. I’ve also come to realize a few details about my nation and my position in it. Having electricity, water, fast internet, was a privilege. Having access to books, completing high school, not having to work my way through a degree - was a blessing. Being able to study abroad? A royalty. 

It’s not (exactly) one of those situations where I push myself too hard because I know there are people who are experiencing worse conditions - or maybe it is; because there are people experiencing worse conditions. I allow myself to feel everything I need to feel (which I took a few months to learn: I don't have to be so hard on myself), but I never stopped being grateful, never entitled; and I don’t allow myself to miss home. I’m only here for a year. 

“You say that so easily. Not seeing my family for a whole year - I can’t imagine that”, responded a local British friend when I told her I wasn’t going home for Christmas. 

But you don’t understand. As much as I miss my family, I only have a year - to have all these experiences alone (and perhaps I’ll learn that experiences are better when you have someone to share it with). I only have a year to explore, to grow, to learn (how to cook... which I did btw). Being able to come overseas is so much of a blessing that thinking anything less of it would make me an ungrateful, unappreciative twat. 

Edinburgh.

I’m not undermining how hard it can be. When you’re studying your hardest because you want to make your parents proud but you don’t seem to be digesting any of this knowledge and you’ve been in the library for 6 hours straight. When you don’t know if a garlic with a sprout growing out of it is edible and you’d have to google it (you’d have to google everything). When you’re running out of money but you don’t want to financially burden your parents even more. When. Finding. A. Job. Is. So. Damn. Hard. When you’re alone, when you’re lonely. When you wipe off your tears and keep it to yourself because you don’t want anyone to worry. 

But I persevere. Firstly because this was what I’ve wanted for myself for the longest of time. Because I want my family to come for my convocation come November in winter coats - because Malaysia’s weather would never permit such fashion. More importantly, because of all the people back home that never had the opportunity that I have: I desire to learn as much as I can, and bring home as much as I can. I aspire to allow them to dream. I aspire for them clean water, electricity, fast internet; I aspire for them, education. I realize that when I think of my Masters just as a qualification or as a journey to take alone, it’s an obligation; a burden - a self-exploratory expedition, a lonesome road trip... I go home feeling trapped because no one understands what I’ve experienced, and it’s almost frustrating because no one knows how much I’ve grown. When I realize that it’s a journey to be shared, it’s liberating - I don’t need to be selfish with my information, I would have stories to tell, knowledge to impart. I guess I'm just trying to give a long-winded update to say that I'm okay, I'm learning and there's no more that I can ask for, I thank God everyday for placing me here. I wish everyone could have this experience, but I'm also going to go home after this year and devote my time to share my life with people who can't afford this adventure.

And I guess I was wrong, I do miss home after all.